Mate – by Tucker Max & Geoffrey Miller

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NOTES

To be successful in mating, you simply have to become the kind of man that women have evolved to want. This book’s approach is one based on science and evidence.

An honest, ethical approach to mating (and life) works the best in the long term.

Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it. Given competence, you anticipate success, so you’re willing to take the risk. Its about realistically expecting that you can do it, based on previously demonstrated performance.
To build real confidence you must boost real competence.
The only effective strategy for gaining real confidence is to develop skills and demonstrate performance of those skills.
The only way to build true confidence around women is to build the competencies they desire.

Research shows that when people identify their own emotions consciously, using accurate words – “afraid,” “angry,” “anxious” – the amygdala, that little biological threat sensor in the brain, calms down almost instantly.

Develop a “growth” mindset instead of a “fixed” mindset.

When a woman interacts with a man, she is afraid of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted. Since puberty, when she started developing hips and breasts and pretty facial features, shes had to deal with creepers and sketch-balls to some degree or another, and shes probably pretty sick of it.

Women are choosier about who they have sex with; men are choosier about who they commit to.

A typical female strategy is to pursue short term mating quietly, with a lot of plausible deniability, adaptive self-deception and circumstantial rationalization.

Women care more about how you smell than you can imagine.

When you’re dating someone, you’re more likely to enjoy spending time with her vertically as well as horizontally.

“Don’t worry honey, I got this” – Need the ability and willingness.

Be effective: health, family, friends, work, play and knowledge.
Plug your gaps; don’t just polish your medals.

Ideally, a man possesses all three of the attributes
– good genes
– partnership
– fatherhood

Your behaviour is never just your behaviour. It’s always a clue to your underlying traits.

If you are conspicuously healthy, fit, and energetic instead of a lumpy sack of hot garbage that is most guys bodies, you’re going to the head of the line.
You don’t need a perfect body, just a healthy one.

To be healthy, you need 8-9 hours of sleep in a completely dark room every night. Eliminate ambient light sources.
Be consistent to follow your natural circadian rhythm.

East mostly unprocessed, natural fresh foods that humans are biologically designed to eat – like meats, vegetables, nuts and fats – and you will be healthy. Avoid everything else as if it were poison.

3 Rules of Healthy Eating
– Don’t eat anything with sugar in it
– Don’t eat anything with grains in it
– Eat anything else you want.

Having good physical health means being physically STRONG.

1. GO HEAVY
2. GO FAST
3. DO COMPOUND MOVEMENTS
4. NO CHRONIC CARDIO

Happiness is really just an overall sense that life is going well. Enjoying life is hugely attractive to women and a signal of good mental health.
Be playful.

Improve Mental Health
– Get more sleep
– Eat better
– Exercise more
– Get more sunshine
– Do lots of small spontaneous things you enjoy
– Do mindfulness meditation

Display Mental Health
– Happiness and contentment
– Good sense of humour
– Playfulness
– Openness
– Mental resilience and adaptability

People tend to turn into the average of the five people they spend the most time around.

Reawaken your inner 8 year old kid, combining it with your inner 14 year old goofball self and mixing in a dash of observational comedy. Make stupid, self deprecating jokes. Tease. Goof Around. Playfulness is a mindset. Its about seeing the objects, people, and situations around you as occasions for fun rather than as serious burdens to cope with.

“That looks cool. I’ve never done that before. I’ll give that a try.”

Women are instinctively looking for high-IQ genes, bright, adaptable partners; and knowledgeable dads.

Attractive traits descending order:
1. intelligence
2. humour
3. honesty
4. kindness
5. physical attractiveness
6. moral values
7. communication skills
8. dependability

Social intelligence: the ability to understand other people’s beliefs and desires and to operate effectively in social relationships and groups for the benefit of all involved.
Emotional intelligence: the ability to understand and use your emotions to guide effective thinking and behaviour and to read other peoples emotions accurately in their faces, bodies, and speech.
Verbal intelligence: the ability to use words effectively, to express himself articulately, to directly connect with people, and to resolve arguments and lead effectively in groups.
Practical intelligence: you’ve acquired practical, real-world skills that bookworms tend to neglect. Essentially “Street Smarts.”
Academic intelligence: your intellectual ability is not appealing, its what you do with your intelligence.

Do you have clear, funny, engaging, short narrative about where you’re from, who you are and where you’re going?
Make eye contact, look actively, have an expressive face, use gestures, and actively listen.

The more you know the more you realize you still have a lot to learn.

“What would I do today if I really cared about the self that I’ll be a year from now?”
Willpower is really just being as kind as you can to the man you want to become.

Steps to accomplish goals:
1. Start with a single goal that is realistic and specific
2. Make a specific plan of action, with a deadline
3. Make your plan into an easy habit with very few decisions
4. Make yourself accountable to others.
5. Have fun, and celebrate wins.
6. If you mess up, forgive yourself, readjust, and continue.

Woman want protective, heroic leaders who wont take any suit from people and who are comfortable confronting risk and violence when needed.
Tender Defenders are stronger and more assertive than the “nice guys” and better, more caring people than the “assholes.”
Be legitimately curious about the women you interact with, through active listening and information gathering.

*Be soft when you’re hard* 😉

Part of protectiveness and formidability is a guys willingness to punish, ostracize, or stigmatize bad guys.
Make decisions and get shit done.

Switch quickly from Tender to Defender: like switching from spooning in bed to jumping up to investigate a weird noise from your kitchen at night.

Proofs:
– Social: dominance, status, prestige and popularity,
– Material: resources and wealth
– Aesthetic: taste, style and art
– Romantic: gifts, love and commitment.

Women evolved not to be gold digger but to be status diggers – to favour socially skilled, popular, respected, high-status guys.
Prestige means people respect you for being useful and knowledgeable. Its prestigious men, not dominant men, who achieve higher reproductive success in tribal societies.

Women naturally prefer guys who make groups work better – as manifested in good leadership, teamwork, conflict resolution, or even as a great host for a party.

Social Proof:
– Focus on your interactions
– Project confidence
– Volunteer
– Have meals with people
– Limit activities that isolate you
– Be Outgoing
– Host parties and organize events.

A woman cares about your money management patterns now because they predict how you’ll earn, spend and save in the future.
Spend your money on experiences, not possessions. Share your experiences with others.

Learn to Dance
Learn to make music
Learn to make stuff
Learn to be a better storyteller

Point your eyeballs in the direction of guys your age who are getting attention from the kinds of women you want to attract, and then wear some version of what they’re wearing. Your clothes don’t have to be tights, but they should look like they FIT your body.

Basic Wardrobe:
– brown shoes and black shoes, leather.
– brown belt and black belt, leather.
– quality dark jeans
– flat-front black dress pants
– two collared dress shirt
– two solid colour polos
– two quality vneck t shirts
– vneck sweater
– sport coat
– peacoat/overcoat.

It is especially important to keep your bathroom and kitchen clean.
Err on the side of minimalism in your decor.

Show energy and enthusiasm in your words, face and gesture. Unleash you inner comedian, storyteller, reporter and philosopher – all the creativity, knowledge and humour you can muster.

There are not bad preferences, only bad ways to treat other people.

What women want to know is what makes you different and better than other men.

In mating situations, the purpose of conversation is to indirectly signal your underlying traits and being the process of connection to the other person.

SOFTEN
Smile
Open posture
Forward lean
Touch
Eye contact
Nod

If you’re labouring under the illusion that everyone can see how insanely anxious you are, think again: most of us are so focused on ourselves and our own issues that we aren’t inclined to pay much attention to yours.
When talking to women, make your only goal to have entertaining and fun conversations with them and nothing else.

There is no plausible deniability in escalating physical intimacy. Any move you make that seems designed to be ambiguous or deniable shows immaturity and lack of confidence and so is much more likely to be rejected.

You have to highlight your attractive traits and work on your weak ones.